Gratitude for the stages my children are at...

Well, well, well… three holes in the ground, as my mother in law says. So many tears and frustrations, but all in the place and space of growth. And of course the sleep deprivation, which brings out the witch not the mother in me… just another stage my children are going through (haha!).

My darling kidlets, every moment of their life is another stage, some adorabubble moments, some not so pretty, some easy, and some more challenging than others. And so, I chose to start looking at all of them with the idea that each and every one of these stages can be held in a space of gratitude. Well… this is the first hole in the ground, and it made me take a good look at myself. Especially those parts I want to righteously hold on to that aren’t so pretty, or loving. Like my need to control… everything maybe? Finding those actually helped me see what isn’t serving me or my family. So here I go, diving into this well, one kidlet at a time.

My eldest

This little lady, on the brink of womanhood, has been the trickiest of my children to relate to by far. Sometimes I think we didn’t bond very well when she was born. Not long after I fell into a deep depression, and being quite immature, I was blaming it on her and my husband – creating a wound in her that I’m not sure I will be able to heal and it hurts me deeply to admit that I find it difficult to access and show her my love. This isn’t meaning that I don’t love her. I’m talking more about my conditioning and our mutual triggers that bring out the worst in our interactions – in Eckart Tolle’s words our pain bodies feed on each other All. The. Time!

My biggest regret is that I feel I didn’t love her enough as a little girl and I now struggle to see her for who she is, and is becoming, a s she enters teenage hood at an alarmingly fast pace!

So this moment I see as a true opportunity to embrace my big girl, the trailblazer, the boundary pusher, who is such a sensitive soul but has learned to shut down and defend – this is my doing and my work to be granted forgiveness for the hurt I have caused her.

With all that is going on with her body, the flurry of hormones overtaking and overshadowing everything, seeking affirmation and confirmation of her worth outside herself, where is she really? If I step into her shoes and truly see the vibrant young girl that she is? And if I choose to look at her and see she is exactly who and how she is meant to be in this very moment?

Well…

I can see that she is fiercely demanding her independence with the suggestions of staying when we move to Melbourne – showing us she can do this, and that she is strong. She is showing us that she needs to create her own social network and forge her own path in life. And so she is. This young lady is her own self and she is going to do her thing… well done to you my big girl! Welcome to being the master of your own journey, both inside and out! And she is gorgeous and intense and all over the shop, and that is beautiful (if not straining sometimes) as well. She is strong enough to persevere in her own likes and dislikes in the face of pressure from other people. Strong enough to go through regular friendship breakdowns and wise enough to learn from them. That is amazing in itself. Everything I have been shielding her from, she wants … that’s pretty damn brave too.

Wanting to own her decisions, own her path and own her process. Well done girl! And you know what, you are giving me one heck of a challenge to step up to the plate as your mama.

My Second Big Girl

Oh the conversations I have had with this gorgeous, pragmatic if not slightly annoying (because she calls you out every time) young lady. Now, this miss has had her trials and tribulations with some crazy energy she can bring into the house, but maybe we just need someone to shake it up a bit and help us shift the stagnant and move on.

To shed a bit of light on her world, I know that after her brother was born there was a big jolt when I suddenly stopped being as present and prominent in her life, as the new baby’s needs sucked me in. For the most part we managed to even things out reasonably quickly. This has not been the case after our last one was born. I know that both my big girls have had to basically take care of themselves, because our hands have been so full of toddlerhood and baby.

So we sat down and had a big old chin wag about it all. We both cried, because you see, this young girl usually quietly, or just with a knowing stare, gets on with things with a tremendous amount of understanding and compassion for everyone involved. My husband and I talk of this regularly but just not to her.

I let her know how grateful we are for her balancing presence and sense of humour, and love, for connecting with her siblings and everyone else around her. You keep doing you boo! Just like your older sister you are treading your own path already and my biggest dreams are that we can tread our paths side by side, all living our lives with courage, compassion and love for one another. All of us together.

Our own Little Prince

I call this one my little prince, yes - because he is the only boy, and yes - because he is special to me. Just like all the other children (after all I did bake them in my belly till they were nice, and plump and ready to be brought into the world!). He is also my prince, as he reminds me of S.A. Exupery’s little prince with his sensitive little soul.

Now this little munchkin has been having the most mind blowing conversations. Most recently, he has given me detailed instructions on how he would like to be taken care of. Not only that, he is putting his foot down for independence. He wants to take care of his own shit – literally (see pic if you don’t believe me). His imagination has gone crazy and with it our household is being turned topsy turvy as well as lots of tears on not being able to actualise the vision in his mind with what we can achieve for him… yet.

Now I’d be lying If I said everything has been hunky dory. The little ones have been feeling needy as hell, but truly they are yearning for connection and it’s just a great reminder (even if I don’t enjoy it sometimes), that right now and right here is all that matters. So thank you my beautiful boy, for letting me know when I’m all up in my head instead of being present with you.

The little One

This one is a master of seeking connection, to the point where she will not stop shrieking and making sure you are looking directly into her eyes with love, sincerity and joy. Our much loved shrieker will literally grab a hold of your head and manually force the forehead connection to get you present. And this is exactly where she is supposed to be. According to Steve Bidulph, at this stage of her development, having that hit of connection floods her system with growth hormones, while a life otherwise can flood the system with stress hormones, suppressing development and growth.

This makes me think back to my eldest. There aren’t many things I regret, actually nothing till I had children, and it’s not having children that I regret, but opportunities I missed because I didn’t have the tools to give them the love and care that they needed. At times I still fall down in a heap or rage when I get overwhelmed by what is happening, and I succumb to the need for control instead of how can I make this better. I’m getting there slowly and tripping up along the way ehhh. Who said living life gratefully is easy?

My preoccupation with what needs to be done when I’m with the children, and the other way as well, what I’m not doing for the children when doing something else, such as house work, cooking ext., has been my hindrance so far. But this week I have had beautiful moments of just being present to my babies and what comes up for me, and how lucky I am. I know I’m so damn privileged that I have had 4 pregnancies that I carried full term with no complications, and have 4 pretty damn healthy if not slightly cracked – gotta look for the light to shine through, children.

Well, another hole in the ground. Digging deep in this process I had to venture into my own muck and found that energy sucker and egotistical behaviour is something I seem to have inherited through the generations of my family. I have a healthy helping of that. Especially after having children, with the chaos and feeling backed into a corner, which is where my need to control, or disappear into my head into full shutdown mode, come from. At the same time acknowledging that I feel I am so damn lucky for the privilege of raising these four children. It’s just my mind and habits that need a little shifting. It’s time to create a new reality to get me some more grateful living.

I know it sounds cliché, but I am enough and I do enough. Time to stop thinking ‘what about me, it isn’t fair’ (the song comes to mind and it just sounds ridiculously funny doesn’t it!?!). So how can I help? How can I give back? Yep it keeps hitting me on the back of the head and it’s a reoccurring aha moment, as Oprah calls it, just on a deeper and deeper level every time. I hope you find this space as well as it is so freeing and eye opening to what we really do have, even if we need to work on some things.

Time to create our own happiness advantage, and hopefully it will pass on to our kidlets as well.

Lotsa love your way,

MaMa’T